First things first, grow a big, long mane
And don’t forget the scary fangs
Your feet are paws now, so don’t trip
And your pants must just be slightly ripped

Let us hear your scary growl
Followed by your piercing howl
The pants should not be more ripped than before
Or else you could trip on the dance room floor

I cannot stress enough the pants
We require specific rips for the dance
The tripping hazards substantially increases
If your pants are ripped beyond minor cleavages

So take a realistic assessment
Of the wears and tears in your lower vestments
If your legs are exposed beyond acceptable patches
You’ll be asked to sit and sew on patches

Now that your pants are up to code
And you meet the ripped-to-unripped ratio
WHICH, ONCE AGAIN, I MUST STRESS IS MINUSCULE
MEANING YOUR PANTS ARE VERY CLOSE TO FULLY WHOLE

BUT NOT SO INTACT AS TO CAUSE ADDITIONAL REJECTION
NOW YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR IN THE NOT-RIPPED DIRECTION
SOME MINOR RIPPING IS ALWAYS REQUIRED
TO PROPERLY EMULATE WEREWOLF ATTIRE

SO RIP YOUR JEANS UNTIL COMPLIANCE
BUT NOT SO MUCH TO BE IN RIP DEFIANCE
Then lift your leg and step to the right
You’ll be doing the Werewolf Dance all night!

Every morning,
dirty dumps

When you wake up,
dirty dumps

Right after coffee,
dirty dumps

Dirty dumps
Dirty dumps
Dirty dumps

[NOTE: this post assumes a widespread adoption in the American vernacular of the phrase “dirty dumps” to mean the bowel movement or movements one has soon after waking in the morning. DINGER MAGAZINE would sincerely appreciate if you added “dirty dumps” to your daily vocabulary.]

(YES MY DOCTOR IS A WOMAN.)